Everything about being out here is a learning curve; a steep one that you can’t quite see around no matter how far out you lean. An upward spiral that’s making me dizzy.
I’ve been in LA for 11 months and there’s one thing I’ve recently learned about myself…I am a jealous person. There lies the root of my frustration. Before we came here Jon would infuriate me after he’d see yet another Facebook post of some idealised LA lifestyle and he would lament about how much he wanted to be back there. I didn’t get it…he had an easy life, a committed wife who worked and paid for…well…everything, he got to do his music all the time, had a nice house to live in, but it wasn’t enough.
Now here we are and roles have reversed (although I’m still the one paying for everything). I have a pretty good life. We live in LA, where it’s almost always warm and sunny, I’m working as a stage manager; the one thing I know I can do well and enjoy, we eat food, we sleep in a bed, there’s free time in my day to do anything I want yet, ironically, I do nothing. I drive around an see all the expensive cars and designer stores and dwell on what we don’t have, or where I am not, or how I feel so lost and alone in this hideously big city whilst digger deeper into my ever dwindling savings. My days are tied up with job applications and rejections and a deepening feeling of ‘why not me, why them’.
Jealousy. I have it. Green with envy, isn’t that what they say? A concept so old the term is believed to have originated from the Greek belief that envy is a sickness associated with the liver and the green bile it produces. From my theatrical perspective green is the colour of wickedness; something that needs to be destroyed.
Well, feeling this way isn’t going to make my needs or desires be fulfilled. As days pass I realise more and more that working for myself really is my only way forward. Stage management is great and something I can work on but it’s about time I released my entrepreneurial spirit. I have ideas, some of which are already out there being developed and enjoyed by others. I have to leave my self-defeatist feelings in the laundry bin, not be jealous of their creations, stop being a lazy procrastinator and take steps to make something that’s mine. Take the green and split it into the deep blue sea and yellow sandy beach of success.